My Grandmother’s Weakness

I stood before the mirror and took a deep look at myself. I noticed the black circles forming under my eyes. The “way back” forehead that made me the brunt of many jokes as a child. The defined cheek bones that run deeply in my roots. The beautifully darkened skin that speaks of my strength and dignity. “I look like my grandmother,” I thought.

Our resemblance is uncanny. Throughout life people often times thought I was her daughter. My resemblance of her doesn’t take a halt at my face and bone structure. Our resemblance lies within our character.

She was bold. I am bold.

She endured long. I endure long.

We are not afraid.

Or are we?

I began to remember my grandmother differently that morning. Sure she was afraid. Fear was there, but fear didn’t rule. She, a single mother to many, dominated fear every day. She conquered that life limiting emotion with grace. Today I honor and embrace the weaknesses of my grandmother. In doing so, I honor and embrace my own.

The part of her that she fought so hard to hide from me, her baby girl that never grew up, shows up in her baby girl most days.

That part that made her vulnerable makes me vulnerable.

The place in her that would not let us cross that line shows itself in me. That place that said, “Don’t mess with me” speaks out in my heart today.

You see, I took on my grandmothers weaknesses when I took on her strength. Basically, it was her weakness that made her so strong in Him.

She was a dichotomy. She was weak, yet she was strong. 

I never realized these truths until the day that I stood in the mirror and saw her in me.

My grandmother was my confidant. I called or texted her every day from the Dominican Republic.

She was so strong. Not once did I think that my multiple problems affected her. She always knew what to say. “This too shall pass Vicki.” “Vicki, God’s got this.” “He hears our conversation and He is working it out.” “You can never get too far from Him. He is always there.”

She never made me feel like she was tired, though I know she was. She never made me feel like I was causing her stress, though I’m sure I did.

She laughed with me. She prayed with me. She became my lifeline. All while being weak.

Understand, her granddaughter, the one she nurtured from birth moved away. I didn’t just move around the corner. I took all of her great grandchildren to another country. She was hurt by that choice, but she never let the hurt choose for her when we talked. Instead she trusted the God who called me to the mission field to sustain as her she missed us.

Right now, I feel weak. God’s strength is my axis on this titled earth. A feeble sensation flows within me every time I blog. I’ve chosen to use that nervous energy for good by letting you know that it takes a Power far beyond myself to accomplish God’s plan for my life. That same Power is available to you. Feeling frail isn’t a good enough reason to not do what He has called us to do.

My grandmother’s death has forced me to finally grow up and to seek after the God who created me. She isn’t here for me to call. I miss her.

My grandmother saw me through special eyes. Her focus was on the person that lives within me. She never ever made me think that she saw me as I saw myself. She was convinced that I was unstoppable. She really made me believe that I could do anything. She taught me to never take “no” for an answer to anything that God had for me. My grandmother taught me to fight. Her own life made her an amazing teacher.

Ladies, its okay to admit that you are weak. It is okay to not be at your best. It’s okay to talk about your fears. The wonderful reality is that weakness and fear didn’t define my grandmother and it doesn’t define you or me.

It’s simply a part of the process of living.

I gave up on the idea that I’m on a road to somewhere. I don’t believe that I’m in the process of becoming. I am already there. I have already become. 

Right now, right here, I embrace all of me. Sure I’ll continue to grow and to develop more and more into Godly character, but  I am already who God has called me to be. My “being” isn’t defined by what I do. My “being” was defined way back when my Father God formed me with His very own hands.

I was amazing in the dark place of conception. I was born amazing. I was amazing as a child. I was amazing as a teen. I was amazing when I went wayward. I am amazing now. I’ve always been amazing. My behavior doesn’t make me great. Christ makes me great. I am who He says I am.

I am amazing.

So here, immersed in the puddle of my mess, I am a beautiful fountain of grace. AND SO ARE YOU!

Embrace your weakness. Your imperfection is part of who you are. Your imperfection only gives light to our Creator. He shines in and through the crevices and gaps in our lives. Grasp hold of all of you.

Fashion Fair takes care of the dark circles under my eyes. Extra hair takes care of that “way back” forehead. But I know its there.

The makeup and the hair pieces only help me to face the world everyday, but those things don’t make me who I am. I am confident that I belong to the creative Maker who continues to enhance all of me each day.